On The Road With Josh #3 - Tour Can Suck, But Not As Much As New Jersey

Josh is friends with my co-worker, Jenn. He's driving a truck for and performing with a national tour of a musical touring show. Josh is ...well...gay and is pretty thoroughly urbanized. Touring the "flyover states" has been an eye opening experience for Josh, sometimes wonderful, sometimes horrible and he's been detailing them in emails to Jenn and others.

Jenn has been reading his emails to me in the office and I love them. They're alternately sweet, smartass and brutally honest, to be sure. But they're also an outsiders opinion of places that he normally never would be and I like that. Above all, they're honestly how he feels and I find that to be fascinating.

To protect Josh and his job, I'm omitting his last name, the name of his company and the name of the show that he's on tour with. His thoughts on this journey, however, are presented exactly as he writes them in his emails. Other than altering incriminating nouns, I have changed nothing about the following email.

On The Road With Josh #3
Tour Can Suck, But Not As Much As New Jersey

He-he-hello!

My goodness my weeks have been packed, like a butt in too-tight jeans.... To those of you I have talked with often, some of this might be a repeat, BUT I have tried to summarize the highlights (hi-lights? Hi-lites? Hai laights?....) for you:

1) SOME SMALL TOWN, NY: Staff -- dumb, pudgy, inexperienced, except for one girl with big boob salad. Space -- tiny, long load in, gross basement. Other: My frosted Mini-Spooners were stolen from the truck. There is a Walmart, Pizza Hut, and Home Depot in the town, so everyone is large, wears cheap clothes, and builds stuff.

2) ANOTHER SMALL TOWN, NH: Staff -- overeager, pudgy, know-it-alls. Space: Raked stage, no loading dock, second floor fork-lift entry, tiny space = are you fucking kidding me?! Other: Had the last Hampton Inn of the tour...this makes me exceedingly weepy.

3) Philadelphia, PA/Camden, NJ: I drove a 13 ton (26 thousand pound) 26 foot truck through mountains, snow, New York City, and Camden rush-hour traffic.....this was beyond wretched. I hated every minute of it and I cried after the 8 hours spent driving...AND, the hotel we stayed in had a fire in a penthouse half an hour after we arrived. HOWEVER, the hotel was in downtown Philly, close to every amount of shopping and theatre one could want, and the three days off were glorious...as were the video games, I am sad to say, I am good at. Camden sucked major cake hole. It's beyond disgusting (as is non-shoreline Jersey). Crew: Fucktards all around. Space: not ideal, dirty, and it's the crap NAME OF RECOGNIZABLE SCHOOL, not the nice NAME OF RECOGNIZABLE SCHOOL. Other: I almost got robbed in the checkout line at Walmart.

4) I have forgotten what happened next. I felt kinda dispalced, out of control, useless. I got over it, and thank you to those of you who responded to my text. I drowned my sorrows in a pulled-pork BBQ sandwich at the Moonlite BBQ Restaurant....ick... Have I told you about Gaffe Tape Hitler? Oh, it exists!

5) Owensboro, KY: Nothing exciting, here, but I did start playing a group role-playing game called Hunter, the Reckoning, all about killing Zombies. I play a character called "Martyr" (a really cool, hip, trendy Asian female club kid) who pistol whips, karate chops, and rocket launches any biznatch who tries to git up in my bidniss. WORD, MUTHUH CHUCKUHS!

6) Huntington, TN: ......Je deteste..... Drive: Five feet from the highway in Purtyear, TN, I saw an unsupervised toddler on a giant trampeline in front of a mobile home with five trucks parked outside and ginormous satellite dish out back, with a pig chained to the side of the trailer....omg, like, totes..... Hotel: One-floor, exterior entry only Best Western that smelled of wet cats and pee, and was situated on a route and back route. I bought a candle from (quelle surprise) Walmart and tried not to get raped/killed by Norman Bates. It was definitely a "squeal like a pig/you gotta purty mouth" kind of town, with "pull my finger" men, and women of the "ah jest got mah hair did" ilk. Space -- The COUNTRY MUSIC STAR Performing Arts Center & Academy....COUNTRY STAR wasn't there. It was located down the street from LOCAL Restaurant, at which Farmerican Idol took place (this was for reals, not for maybes.) Was a tiny space, but good experience. Staff: Good ol' boys, who smile and ooze Southern charm as if it were diarrhea. Other: Thank the deity above there was a coffee shop. When you get the opportunity, go to www.holylandexperience.com (shalom, evr'body, shalom)

7) Paducah, KY: Who knew I would like Paducah!? Well, at least where the hotel is, it's hoppin'. Space: Huge and beautiful. Perfect. Muchly needed. AND, I got all sorts of special mentions and congrats for my performance thus far from the production coordinator, TD, and stage manager which added to my already better mood. Staff: VUNDERBAR! Everyone was helpful, efficient, friendly, and glad to have us, except for this really angry, large, lesbian....imagine that....

8) A week in Nashville, coming up, then Huntington, WV, and then off to my beloved Illinois, and midwest. We're traveling to Madison, Cedar Falls, East Lansing, and some other place, Champaign, and some other place again. SO, Happy Belated Valentine's Day, Happy Birthday if your's was missed or is coming up, and call when you get the chance, or send an e-mail.

Lovingnessmentishingness,
Joshua

News Flash - Twin Gay Porn Actors, Also Burglars. Blogger Struggles To Heighten Joke.

Just saw this on the old AP feed...

Twin Porn Actors Charged in Burglary
AP
Posted: 2008-02-29 10:31:05
PHILADELPHIA (Feb. 29) - Twin brothers who have appeared in hardcore gay-porn online videos are charged with the rooftop burglary of a South Philadelphia business and are suspected in dozens of similar crimes in at least three states, authorities said.

Keyontyli and Taleon Goffney, 25, of suburban Pennsauken, N.J., were arrested Feb. 19 after authorities from a multistate task force said they watched the twins break into a South Philadelphia beauty shop through the roof.



AP
Twins brothers Keyontyli and Taleon Goffney, 25, are suspects in dozens of burglaries across Philadelphia over the past 18 months after police say they spotted the pair trying to break in through the roof of a local beauty salon.


The brothers are suspects in dozens of burglaries committed over the past 18 months throughout New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Delaware, where intruders gained entry by hacking through the rooftops of businesses, the Philadelphia Daily News reported.

Keyontyli, arrested at the scene of the Philadelphia burglary, was released after posting bail. Taleon, arrested a short time later, was being held in a Philadelphia jail.

The brothers face charges of burglary, trespassing, theft and related counts. A preliminary hearing is expected next month, authorities said.

Taleon has a lengthy criminal history, including charges for rooftop burglaries in Alabama and Florida, and previous arrests in Philadelphia as well as Camden and Salem counties in New Jersey, The Philadelphia Inquirer reported.

There are no records of any felony convictions for Keyontyli in Philadelphia or his native New Jersey.

Taleon faces sentencing in March after having pleaded guilty to burglary and other charges in two cases in New Jersey, his lawyer, Jeffrey Zucker, told the Inquirer.

Zucker told The Associated Press on Thursday that attorney Michael Gushue represents Taleon in the Philadelphia case, and he did not know if Keyontyli has a lawyer. Gushue did not immediately return a call seeking comment.

Court documents in Philadelphia did not list any lawyers for either brother.

The brothers have appeared in online gay porn videos under the names Teyon and Keyon, said Erik Schut of Philadelphia-based video retailer TLA Entertainment Group, which sells gay porn DVDs online.

He said they could have had a good career if they hadn't gotten in trouble.

"They are incredibly good-looking, and being identical twins, it's a novelty," Schut said.

Keyontyli has appeared in gay porn since at least 2002 and worked as a fashion model, while Taleon got involved in porn more recently.

Taleon, who police believe is a trained gymnast and karate expert, has used his athleticism to make several daring escapes from police.

He was handcuffed in the back of a moving police cruiser after a 2006 drug arrest in Clementon, N.J., when he broke out the glass with his head and jumped into a lake while still handcuffed, police Chief Dave Kunkel said.

"He swam across like Flipper, taunting the officers, saying, 'You'll never catch me," Kunkel told the Daily News.

Taleon turned himself in a week later.

In January 2007, Taleon jumped 30 feet from the roof of a Camden, N.J., liquor store and swam across the frigid Cooper River before he was caught, police said.

"I told him he should have signed up for the Olympics," Zucker said. "The prosecutor and I even referred to him as Spider-Man."

Once again, reality blends effortlessly with the comic book world. Gay porno actor, karate expert, house burglar, breaks car window with head, jumps in lake, swims away, while hand-cuffed. Literally says, "You'll never catch me, coppers!"

The only thing that would've made it better is if the other brother (the hair stylist) used his karate & dick-suckin', butt-fuckin' powers for GOOD and hunted down his renegade, house-robbing brother.

Now THAT would make a good comic book. The interrogation scenes along would be WHITE HOT. Batman never tossed a criminals salad to get information, the pussy.

Christ, what world are we living in?

Cheers,
Mr.B

One Helpful Little Guy...

I just had a flashback to a memory from when I was a little boy and I wanted to record it here before I forget it again.

I think that this story happened somewhere around 1982 - 1983. I was seven or eight years old.

It was a sunny, summer day on some Saturday morning. I know it was the weekend, because I was not in school on that day and I was visiting with my dad. My parents divorced when I was three years old. I can't remember them ever living together. But I do remember many, many weekends that I either spent with my mom or my dad. They alternated weekends.

And so this story takes place on one of the weekends with my dad. A bright, sunny Saturday morning. I know it was Saturday and not Sunday because this story takes place in a church parking lot. And the church parking lot would've been occupied on a Sunday morning. In my memory, the church parking lot was almost entirely empty.

My dad was always good with his hands. He still is. He built the house that he lives in now and the house that he lived in before this one. He added first one deck and then another onto his current house. He has installed coy ponds and swinging seats and gardens and a shed and a cozy swing for two in the tree line behind his house. He loves his tool shed. I give him tools for Christmas presents. Nothing makes him happier than when he's working on some little project.

When I was a little boy, my dad spent his weekends working on housing crews with his best friend, Larry. He and Larry were childhood friends. They grew up together in a suburb of Louisville. Later, in their middle age, they would part ways. They rarely speak these days. Of course, Larry led a very hard life, living in trailer parks, committing his first and only wife to a mental institution and living out his remaining days as the "paint guy" at an Ace Hardware in the backhills of Kentucky. As you read this, Larry is probably chipping paint out of the automatic mixer and not thinking at all about where else he could be or how else his life could be. A very sad story.

On this Saturday in 1982 or 1983, Dad and Larry were still best friends and were working on a project together. Dad and Larry had taken on a side job to make a little extra cash. They were patching up holes in the shingles on the top of a rather large, steep church. They were probably getting a hundred bucks apiece to spend the day up on this church's roof, dragging around single sheets of shingles to the holes in the roof, tearing out the old, decayed shingles and nailing in place the new shingles. Just an easy Saturday morning gig, doing some good for this little church.

While they worked, I sat in the cab of the truck, sipping on a Yoo Hoo and nibbling on Hostess cupcakes. I also had a stack of brand new comics books with me to read while they worked on the roof. It wasn't uncommon for my dad to buy me a stack of comics to act as a babysitter. If I had a good stack of my regular titles, I would stay put for a few hours, seeing what Captain America was up to or who was Spiderman chasing after this month or what crazy plot twist was happening over in Detective Comics. Load me up with some chocolately goodness and you would know where I was going to be for a good couple of hours.

I remember that it was summer and the sky was blue and cloudless.
I remember that the truck, a beat-up old orange monster that my dad drove until it died, was still pretty cool in the shade of a big tree on the edge of the parking lot.
I remember that the blue UV shading on the windshield made a solid, blue band on my chubby knees and thigh.
I remember trying very hard NOT to get chocolate icing on the pages of my new comics.
I remember that the wind was high and that I worried for a bit that my dad and Larry might be blown off of the roof, four stories up. I didn't need to worry, they hunkered down to the roof and scurried around like crabs, giving the wind nothing to grab onto.

I recall very clearly that I was in the middle of an Archie comics that I wasn't really interested in, when the wind caught their ladder and blew it off of the roof. It slowly slid to the left and then clattered down on the church's lawn. The sound of the metal clattering to the ground scared me and I looked around to see what had happened. Up on the roof, my dad and Larry knew exactly what had happened. They made their way over to the edge and looked down. They were four stories up in the air, trapped on the roof with no flat surfaces to sit on and nobody to call to, to help them. This was before cell phones, so that wasn't an option.

Later, my dad told me what they talked about up there. Larry suggested that they use their hammers to break into the belfry and bang on the church bells until someone came. But that would do more damage to the roof that they were supposed to be fixing. And there was no guarantee that it would bring anyone at all. The church was down a little backroad that had very sporadic traffic on it. They could be trapped up there for a while. With luck, someone would see them and come help before it got dark. With no lights up there, the steep black roof would be treacherous in the dark.

Finally, my dad said, "Well, there's nothing we can do about it now. Let's finish the roof and then deal with the ladder when we get done." He later said that he was thinking that one of them could lower himself over one of the sides and hope to find a ledge to climb down from, but that he didn't plan for this and had no idea what the side of the church looked like. That would be very, very dangerous, but it was all he could think of.

In the cab of the truck, I wasn't reading comics anymore. I was watching my dad and Uncle Larry on the roof. I could see them standing at the edge of the roof, which scared me pretty badly. I could see them talking and pointing down at the ladder. Finally, the turned and went back to the pile of shingles and got back to work. I understood what had happened. The ladder had fallen and my dad was trapped on the roof. I knew with absolute clarity that I was the only person there to help them.

I got out of the cab of the truck and made my way over to the ladder. At it's full extension, the ladder was over thirty feet tall. I went to the end and lifted it as high as I could, which was right up to my belly. Nowhere near high enough to put the ladder in place. I had to drop it down and think of something else.

I walked over to the two lane road that ran along the edge of the property. I thought that I was going to need an adult to help me with the ladder. I sat down on a large rock marking the edge of the church property and waited for the next car to come by. Maybe I could talk them into pulling over and helping me.

I can't remember what kind of car came by first, but they misunderstood my frantic waving and waved back at me as they drove by. A busy adult waving back at a sweet, church-going kid. The next car, though, a dark, forest green truck, slowed down as the driver realized that I was trying to flag him down. He slowly eased into the mouth of the parking lot and rolled down his passenger window. He was an older fellow. A grandfather type. Wearing denim and a flannel shirt and a neat, white moustache on his face. He looked concerned for me.

"Hey there, young fella. Is everything okay?" he looked around the parking lot to see if someone was hurt or chasing me or otherwise in need of assistance.

I walked over to the open window and said, "My dad is working on this church roof. His ladder fell down. Can you help me put it back up there for him?" The truck driver looked up at the two young men working hard on the roof of the church, and the lawn with the ladder laying flat on it and understood what I needed.

"I think I can help," he said and he slowly pulled the truck into the parking lot. He parked right next to my dad's truck. The door swung open. He put two hands on the door frame of his truck and pulled himself out, as big, older men do. I was waiting for him over in the grass. We walked over to the ladder and he easily hefted the end of it, walking down the ladder as it raised over both of our heads. He pivoted it on one of it's legs and walked it into place. It made a satisfying "clunk" sound as it settled against the church's rain gutter.

My dad heard this and came over to the edge. He saw me and the older man standing down at the bottom of the ladder, looking up at him. He waved down at the older man and said, "Thanks, fella. We really appreciate it."

"Don't thank me. Thank this little guy. He flagged me down and asked me to come help." and the older guy patted me on the head affectionately.

"That's my son," said my dad and he looked down on me and smiled.

"Well, he's one helpful little guy," and the old guy walked back to his truck and pulled out of the parking lot, waving once out of his window as he drove away.

My dad came down from the roof and hugged me to him. He thanked me for being so smart and for getting him out of a jam. He admitted that he was pretty scared up there and that he didn't know how he was going to get down. And he hugged me and thanked me and generally made a fuss over me and I felt so proud to have done a good thing for my dad.

Later, he retold the story to my stepmom over dinner. She wasn't all that impressed. But, her lack of enthusiasm didn't dim my pride, at all. My dad was proud of me. That was all that mattered to me.

Crazy Indian Video.

Bob Ladewig gets credit for finding this.

This video won me over at "Jetpack Operation"

(Which might also make a nice name for an improv troupe.)



"I put papaya there"

Cheers,
Mr.B

On The Road With Josh #2 - Fresh Hot Nuts

Josh is currently on tour with a national musical touring show company. To keep his sanity amidst the natives, he is emailing travelogues out from the road. He has graciously agreed to let me post them here for your enjoyment.

Names of some identifiable theaters, towns and country music stars have been edited to protect Josh from identifying Google searchs. CAPITALIZED NOUNS indicate my only edits to his posts.

Fans, who wish to track Josh's ongoing travels can read his previous entries here.

On The Road With Josh #6:
Fresh Hot Nuts

Hello All.

Okay, so you wanna know the funny thing about The South?....EVERYTHING is funny about The South. I don't hate The South anymore than it hates me, but I do have to high-light the sign that greeted me in the mullet of Alabama.

"Fresh Hot Nuts."

This says so much about the surrounding peoples, economy, and lifestyle. Short, to the point, and in abundance of immediately satisfactory satiation from self-sufficient land growth. It's also stinkin' cold everywhere down here. Also, if you look on a map, both Alabama and Missississipi look like two men with mullets, thus the reference. And really, there is nothing better than a little bit of business in the front, and a whole lot of party in the back....can I get an amen?

The last venue we were at changed my holier than though griping about this production and indeed this experience. I finally stopped being a realist and pragmatist and general asshole about how this isn't exciting and just a job when I saw the true influence the TOURING SHOW COMPANY has on other people. I'm now a believer...it's true, this whole thing is pretty cool, and all of you are right, and I'm just ashmoop. First, the Center for the Arts on the Okaloosa Walton College campus, near Niceville, Fla, is stunning. It is a roadhouse with all the trimmings and perks for The Diary of Anne Frank (apparently pronounced ah-nuhfrahnkuh....ew...) to the Broadway tour of The Producers. Everyone was competent, friendly, and the playing space is about as large as Lookingglass Theatre's playing space times 3. Fly system, wing space, electronic amazements that beep and boop, and they even have a bench for tech people to sit, smoke, and gab on out back on the LOADING DOCK AT STAGE LEVEL THAT IS LIKE A NATIONAL TREASURE OH MY GOD IT'S AWESOME GREAT THANKSSSSSSS TOP DOLLAR IMPORTANT CUSTOMER!

To hear 300+ kids go nuts at something that I am responsible for, and to see the townsfolk of Destin, Fla (where we moved to on our days off because they had a mall and multiple places to eat) was enough to make me believe that everything I do, everything the others involved with the production do, has a profound effect on the hearts and spirits of anyone. You say the NAME OF TOURING SHOW and you get an automatic hand shake or free coffee. Now, it's not like I have never felt this before, but it really took a while for me to get it from this experience. I've gotten so routinized with my job, that I've started doing ridiculous things with the time left like disinfecting every prop and hand-turched surface before each show, checking buttons to gauge when they might fall off, learning the difference between what these actors do when they're happy and sad when it comes to food, beverage, and other wants and needs. Seriously, I think I'm a little too into this and I probably look like the squirre, "Hammy" from Over the Hedge when I'm doing this stuff. Everyone makes fun of me for my Joshisms and focus, so know that this experience has not changed me and how I interact with others and how they interact with me. If they could, i think the tech crew would throw a cape over me, "james brown style" and gently escort me off into a wing to suck on codine. The coolest, and funniest moment that has made me a believer about the power of this experience came from Jamie, the guy at the front desk of the hotel in Destin. Here is my paraphrased version of what transpired:

Jamie: (hyper, wide eyed, skinny, white, hysterically and endearingly queer as a bedazzled may pole) Hey! Are you guys from the acting troop!? Huh?!

Us:....uh, yeah...

Jamie: (same as before) Wow, that's really cool because I'm an actor too and I mean I'm an amateur, but not really, but I mean I am and I have done some operas and stuff up in Augusta and they're really fun and a lot of them have cast me in the chorus but I mean I've done some lead stuff too and it's really fun and I got my start at disney world --

(at this point, we're thinking, "oh really, I had no idea, big surprise Jamie, what a shocker, no really.... I thought smelled a mouse on you..and oh look at all that magic dust all ethereal like around your aura....)

Jamie: -- and I mean I've done some parades and stuff just usually bouncing around as Peter Pan, yep, that's me, just bouncing around as Peter Pan and I mean so what is it you guys are doing in Florida?! Huh?!

Us: Well, we are touring a show from the (name of the big fuckin' theatre in our nation's capital.)

Jamie: Oh cool, where's that?! Do you have a website!?

Us: Uh, yeah, man, it's (web address for the big fuckin' theatre in our nation's capital.)

Jamie: Well cool, I mean fun, I should totally check that out. Are you gonna be performing around here?! Huh?!

Us: Well, we just did at OWC....

Jamie: Oh yeah, OWC, oh yeah, I know that, OWC.

Us: ...and then we have a show in Atlanta and Sarasota and Melbourne, FL.

Jamie: Well cool guys, well if you need anything, I mean anything, just let me know , 'cause I'll just be here most of the time, and I mean if you want some hot chocolate and coffee and anything, like towels, wash clothes, I mean anything just let me know.

Us: yeah, thanks so much.

Jamie: Oh it's not a problem. I'd love to do it!

(at this point we're thinking, "Yes Jamie....we know....)

Anyway, this kid is truly in love with theatre and wants so badly to keep doing theatre in any way. And wouldn't you know it, we really did have a nice hotel stay there because we had everything we needed because of the Jamie. Who knew?....who knew..... The first time I encountered Jamie was sitting in the lobby with the stage manager. We heard chanting. We turned around and Jamie was talking to himself and chanting Latin in the back. And then, abruptly, we heard a ding, and this rambunctious, high-pitched voice say, "Oooo! My cookies are done!!! They smell so good!!!" Laugh it up people, laugh it up.

Okay, I need to get going, but I'll write again soon.

Ciao,
Joshua

Birth - The Opening & The Closeup

Dear Movie Nerds,

Remember a while back when I was railing on and on about how you HAD to see the movie "Birth"? And I even described the riveting opening sequence and the amazingly brave closeup of Nicole Kidman's face, at the opera, when she silently undergoes this amazing internal transformation?

Well, here they are, jerks!

Uploaded to Youtube by some other jerks and posted by this jerk for you.

Here's the amazing opening.



If you don't understand what's so amazing about that, close this window and go watch your DVD of "Transformers". That's pretty much all the cinematic grandeur that you can handle.

Here's the closeup sequence. Now, realize that out of context, this scene won't have a whole lot of emotional resonance. Watch it now for the fascinating editing ("THEY DON'T CUT AWAY! SHOULDN'T THEY CUT AWAY?!? WHY AREN'T THEY CUTTING AWAY?!?") and then rent the freaking movie and learn what Nicole Kidman is thinking about, while she's watching this opera. (Here's a Hint: It ain't the opera that's messing her up like this.)

Check it out.



Now, go rent the movie, you philistines. I've already shown you the highlights clip. Go see the actual movie and get everything else in the film. (Also, the less you know before you go in, the better the film is. So avoid unwarranted online research before you pop the disk in.)

Such a good, good movie.

Cheers,
Mr.B

On The Road With Josh #1 - Tales From The Road

Josh is currently on tour with a national musical touring show company. To keep his sanity amidst the natives, he is emailing travelogues out from the road. He has graciously agreed to let me post them here for your enjoyment.

Names of some identifiable theaters, towns and country music stars have been edited to protect Josh from identifying Google searchs. CAPITALIZED NOUNS indicate my only edits to his posts.

Fans, who wish to track Josh's ongoing travels can read his previous entries here.

On The Road With Josh #1:
Tales From The Road

Dear All,

Well hello! Long time no speaky-speak. Finally, I have some time to sit and type like the wind.

Currently, I am in Niceville, Florida. Would ya believe it -- it's actually kind of nice...and rainy....and cold. We just came from Meridian, Mississippi, where we performed at the Riley Center, a gorgeous $23 million renovated opera house with a patchy light system (hah, ha....puns...) The big story thus far comes from Greenville, NC....at A LOCAL University. There was no wing space in which to negotiate the large set pieces and stuff. BUT, the staff (comprised of some economics, music, and accounting majors, with a music teacher for a TD) was less than ideal. These guys were an average of 20 years old, hopped up on the promise of sex, and about as dopey as you can get when it comes to basic motor functions:

US: Could you get on the head set and tell the SM the door latch is broken.
THEM: Uh, the what?
US: The door latch.
THEM: What's that.
US: Just please tell the SM it is broken.
THEM: The door's broken?
US: The door latch.
THEM (on headset:) The door's busted.

.......ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?

They finished out the evening of load out by shouting obscenities at each other, and introducing us to the term "cock holster." In context, "Shut yer cock holsters an' git back to work." They called me a fag at one point, and now have a lawyer from the big government home base to answer to. This is the only time I think I can safely say I am happy to be an American with a government who cares...

The shows have been incredibly well received at our venues thus far. The kids go fuckin' wild at everything - the pre show announcement, the lights out, a pin dropping.

The entire experience thus far, however, doesn't impress me. The perks are perky, the benefits are beneficial, and the people are great....but it's just like anything else I have ever done. The costume designer took two other people and five months with $7000 to only kind of finish the show by opening in Rockville, Maryland. Half of the stuff isn't surged, or is now falling a little apart because it's been in a box for a year. She's a sweet woman, and I'm sure is an excellent follower but as a designer I have to say she kind of floored me with some of the unprofessional finishing of the costumes. I'm not perfect, and I know that, but picture what is less than what you know me to accomplish, and there you have her work...FOR AN EQUITY THEATRE UNDER WHICH SHE IS HIRED AS A UNION DESIGNER!

The man behind the green curtain is just a man behind a green curtain, when it comes to theatre at this level. I suppose it was good for me to expect something completely different with my background in being frugal and working late nights, etc.; that the hard work and sacrifice allowed me to really build up a set of tools that I could not have found in grad school. But at the same time, now the job just seems like a pay check. I have at least been able to prove my worth with problem solving, organization, building a few things, altering a few others, and ultimately being a super duper truck driver. Seriously, it's kind of gross and exciting that I am so good at driving a demi-big-rig.

But I'm glad I'm here, too. I don't know what I would be doing back in Chicago right now to better my own personal cause and future. And though it's tough for me to release the responsibility and care and dedication to designing and decision-making on certain levels here, it's also nice not to be totally in charge and at fault for something.

Gonna have to do more later, as someone else needs to use the computer. Let me know how you're doing when you can, PLEASE. I'm seriously near my phone at all times, even if you think we wouldn't be able to have a conversation, we would!

Lovin' to all of you, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Joshua

Jimmy Kimmel is fucking Ben Affleck.

Remember the Sarah Silverman video "I'm fucking Matt Damon" from a few weeks ago?

Well, Kimmel has posted his response and I really think that he's upped the ante, a little bit.

(The first time I saw this, I thought, "Him? Really? Is that who I think it is as the Fed Ex guy?" and then I saw that it was and then I spent the rest of the video thinking, "Holy Crap, what's THAT guy doing in this video?" I think that the funniest moment in the whole video is the guy in the convertible, blowing them a kiss.)

I don't need a retaliatory video from anyone.
I don't need to see who else is fucking whom. (I just saw a nearly note for note parody of "I'm fucking Matt Damon" from Kevin Smith, Elizabeth Banks and Seth Rogen. I didn't like it. I felt like I was watching a quickie made parody-video on Youtube. Like one of those bazillion "Lazy Sunday" parodies.) As I said before, I think that the concept of who has been fucking who was put to bed with this video.

Also, Jimmy Kimmel is pretty funny. I might need to start DVRing that show.

Here's "I'm Fucking Ben Affleck".



EDITED TO ADD: Sorry gang. I added the wrong video. It is, as you can see, now corrected.

Star Wars -as recapped by a 3 year old.

Just stumbled across the clip on Youtube.

This is a three year old's succinct recap of Star Wars.



"Don't talk back to Darth Vader. He'll getcha!"

Cheers,
Mr.B

Me & Lisa and I on Radio Lab.

Ellen, the Radio Lab producer that set up the interview with me and Lisa, recently forwarded a link to the fundraising show that we were a part of. She said, in her note to me, that they raised nearly $20,000 using our show as part of their recent WNYC fundraiser. Which is cool as shit. As happy as I was to be a part of it, I am even happier that we actually gave something back to the show. That's pretty amazing.

If you want to give it a listen, you should go to this link. You have register for the website to hear it. But no worries. They won't spam you or send a bunch of crap to your inbox.

I am Section B.
Lisa is Section C.
(We are also sweetly mentioned in Sections D & E)
(Also, I mention "Fugue", the improv show that Lisa and I met at, in section B.)

Also, I should say that we gave this interview during the ten days that we were broken up in January. So, it's a snapshot of that time, as well as a snapshot of when we got together originally. I refuse to feel foolish because they happened to catch us during a bad time that we couldn't deny.

We are in a much better place today. In fact, our relationship now is better than it ever has been. So, while we were a broken-up couple in this interview, we're a very-together, very-loving, very-healthy couple now.

I just felt like I needed to say that.

Cheers,
Mr.B

I Was Meant For The Stage.

Bob Ladewig put this song on a CD for me two years ago.

It got lost and was found about 8 months ago.

Then it got lost again and was recently found for the second time about two weeks ago.

Now it's loaded on the ipod and in regular rotation.

And that's how I heard the song "I was meant for the stage" by The Decemberists for the first time, a week ago, even though it was given to me, two years ago.

I was listening to it on the Montrose bus, heading to meet Greg, to run Hendo's much-delayed Xmas present. As soon as the song ended, I texted this message to Bob.

"JUST LISTENED TO 'I WAS MEANT FOR THE STAGE' FOR THE FIRST TIME. WANT THAT PLAYED AT MY FUNERAL."

From across the country, Bob texted this back to me...

"THOUGHT OF YOU THE FIRST TIME I HEARD THAT. I KNEW YOU WOULD LIKE IT."

And he was right.

I love it.

Check out these lyrics...

I was meant for the stage,
I was meant for the curtain.
I was meant to tread these boards,
Of this much i am certain.

I was meant for the crowd,
I was meant for the shouting.
I was meant to raise these hands
With quiet all about me. oh, oh.

Mother, please, be proud.
Father, be forgiven.
Even though you told me
'Son, you'll never make a living.' oh, oh.

From the floorboards to the fly,
Here I was fated to reside.
And as I take my final bow,
Was there ever any doubt?
And as the spotlights fade away,
And you're escorted through the foyer,
You will resume your callow ways,
But I was meant for the stage.

The heavens at my birth
Intended me for stardom,
Rays of light shone down on me
And all my sins were pardoned.

I was meant for applause.
I was meant for derision.
Nothing short of fate itself
Has affected my decision. oh, oh.

From the floorboards to the fly,
here i was fated to reside.
And as I take my final bow,
Was there ever any doubt?
And as the spotlights fade away,
And you're escorted through the foyer,
You will resume your callow ways,
But I was meant for the stage.

Over 7 minutes long, this thing slowly marches along, adding orchestral accompaniment and then, at the end, devolving into chaos before it packs it up, gets in the car and drives off, song unfinished.

I played it for Lisa on Saturday night and she had an interesting take on the calamitous ending. She said, "I like how all of the musicians break away from the melody and play their own songs at the end. Like they were free to finally play the way that they wanted to."

My interpretation of the ending is slightly different. To me, it sounds like the singer stops singing and the band tries to carry on without him, but that things just fall apart without him driving the piece and eventually everything collapses without him.

I think it's interesting that we both saw something very different with the finale of the song. I think our different interpretations tell you more about us, than they do, about the song, itself.

I guess you better give it a listen.

Here you go.



Lovely.

Cheers,
Mr.B

In The In Between Times...

Last weekend was the Casting Auction show at the theater that I work for. I've been working on this event, with it's myriad of problems since I came on at the theater. And there have been many, many challenges that came with that project.

For example, wrangling email addresses for the fifty cast members, two of which simply didn't have them and had to be called everytime the schedule changed. I also had to compare the proposed schedule with other demands for space in our 5 theaters. Copying scripts, getting them to cast members. Adding rehearsals. Removing rehearsals. Moving rehearsals. Collecting bios for the program. Overhauling our email system because an error in our online registration was preventing us from sending or receiving emails. The list goes on and on...

Now that that particular project is behind me, I have this strange feeling of unrest.

Like I am restlessly in the In Between Time after "An Event Has Happened" and waiting for notice when the "Next Event Will Happen". Something is coming that will require as much time and attention, but I don't know what that something is, yet.

And I feel like this unrest has bled into my personal life too.

Laundry hasn't been done.
My whole apartment requires a thorough sweep and cleaning.
I've loaded almost a thousand songs on my ipod and need to vet them, delete duplicates, make sure they're named properly and give them album artwork.
The dog needs a bath and maintenance.
I need a haircut.
The backyard is a frozen tundra spotted with uncollected, frozen dog turds.
(I know, I know, that's gross.)

There are all these projects that need to be completed and yet, when I get home, I am so tired from the long work day that I eat a small supper and then try to get to bed as quickly as possible.

It's like I am trying to condense the daytime hours into a the shortest possible periods of time, in between sleep times to get closer to the next event - whatever that may be.

I think that the solution to this problem is that I need to take this coming weekend and take care of these basic maintenance tasks. Get a haircut, begin the laundry process, drop off dry-cleaning, clean up the backyard. Do the small things that I need to do to make me feel like more of a human being. And not an automaton going from one project to the next.

I feel like I am less defined, right now, by what I am doing, but by what I am NOT doing. I think I need to get some shit done.

One step in front of the other,
Mr.B

Best of Youtube - Impressive Violin Player

Just saw this clip on the "Best of Youtube" video podcast and it's amazing.

I like when amazingly talented musicians play their instruments in ways that you can't anticipate they will play them. When they make their instruments make music that you normally don't associate with them. It's pretty incredible.

Check it out.



Also, if you have a video ipod, you should probably subscribe to this particular podcast. It really IS the best of the youtube.

Cheers,
Mr.B

Shove The Belmont Burlesque Revue In Your Ears!

One of the projects for 2008 that we wanted to experiment with for the BBR is our very own podcast. The technology is so readily available and Noah is a whiz with this sort of thing, so it looked like a fun project that we might really enjoy.

Hendo cobbled the first broadcast together. He got permission from the various bands to play their music. He got the comedian's permission to play his routine. He and Ms.Green put together the idea of a different drink for each podcast. And using a recorder from her work, he got the interview with our boylesque star from the January performance.

We recorded my monologue and the interview with Natanya and the little intersticial bits in one evening over at Hendo's apartment. Noah edited it together in about a week and it's posted now for your listening pleasure up on the BBR webpage.

Granted, the audio levels are a little wonky in this first recording. You have a little trouble hearing Natanya and the interview with La John Joseph, but those are problems that we're fixing for the next podcast. As far as first tries at a podcast go, it's not bad.

YOu can check it out, by going here.

Oh, and as a side note, if you hit the "Subscribe" button on the webpage, it'll automatically load it into Itunes for you and update it, every time we drop a new one.
Which looks to be once a month.

Also, my monologue about my dinner with a 400 lb pig begins right at the 8:05 mark.

Cheers,
Mr.B

Justice League: New Frontier

Hey Nerds,

You know that this is coming out in March, right?

RIGHT?!?



Advanced reviews online are saying that this is "the animated feature" that we all hoped "Ultimate Avengers" would've been, but wasn't.

Sweet ass.

Cheers,
Mr.B

Happy Valentines Day, World.

Well, I got what I wanted for Valentines Day.

This.



It was JUST what I wanted.

Happy Valentines Day, Everyone Who Reads My Blog. I hope you like it too.

Cheers,
Mr.B

Promoting Blondes.

There's sort of a big event happening here in the lobby of the theater. We're expecting a couple hundred people to come in and preview the next shows for our four resident theater companies.

To give the event some razzle dazzle, our promotions and event girl, who is a sexy, trim little blonde girl, has invited local businesses and a couple booze companies to set up tables in our space and introduce our patrons to their wares. A vodka company. A dating service. A real estate company. Two different bars. Three different restaurants.

The girl who is currently setting out decanters for the vodka company on their table is a sexy little blonde girl.

The real estate agent who is neatly arranging her tri-fold booklets is a sexy little blonde girl.

The two girls who are setting up their joint table for two bars in the area are both sexy little blonde girls.

The guy from the burger joint, who is carefully slicing burgers into samples is explaining what he wants done tonight to the person who is going to man the table, while he cooks and brings food over to our lobby. She is, as you can guess, a sexy little blonde girl.

If any of these flaxen-haired beauties have noticed the pattern, they haven't commented about it. Everyone is too busy setting things up and carefully arranging their wares.

But from my vantage point as the guy in the box office with a view of the entire lobby through two separate worlds, I can see what's going on here. Promotions, whether it's for theater, vodka or real estate, is a game for the sexy, little blondes of the world. As world-class athletes gravitate to their chosen sport and nerds gravitate to comics and role-playing, so to do the blondes of the world attract to the sport of smiling, looking pretty and attracting attention to their products - which they're HAPPY to TELL YOU ALL ABOUT if you like and HERE would you like to TRY A SAMPLE or TAKE A BOOKLET? And GOSH, isn't this all JUST a lot of FUN?!?

A Dubious Honor

I just found out that if you were to go to do a Googlesearch on the phrase

I have extra skin in my asshole what is it

my blog is the first entry that pops up.

Don't believe me?
Check it out here.

The third entry in that prestigious little group of honorifics asks "DO LOW HANGERS HAVE BIGGER BALLS?" Something that we've all wondered at one time or another, yes?

Ironically, when I started the blog two years ago, my one and only hope for it was that the poor souls who suffer from "extra skin in their assholes" would have a place to come, converse, and learn together. I wanted to be pro "extra skin in asshole". I don't want to hide that affliction anymore.

In one very small way, I feel like I've achieved that dream today. All a man could ever ask is to know that his labor has made the world a better place for his fellow man. I think that's what we do here at "word" - only specifically for people with extra skin in their assholes.

Leading the charge for ground-breaking discussions about "extra skin in assholes" since 2006,
Mr.B



EDITED LATER TO ADD: Interested Readers should check out the comments to this blog entry to find out how the "extra skin in asshole" epic continues. You have to "dig deeper" to get to the bottom of my asshole!

Between Then and Now and Later

Fuck, it's been five days and I've been absolutely silent on this blog, haven't I?

Where do the days go?

Well, some things have happened since then and now. Here's a few of them.

At the February "Ladies Night" Sickest F***ing Stories, Harz Sonderricker wore a dress.



Which was absolutely fucking terrifying.



As a reward, and because we had a "no call, no show" we let him play in the show. The girls shouted him down for 50 minutes and treated him like a retard that they couldn't wait to get rid of, which made for some hilarious show stuff.



Also, Lisa got the PinkEye, which sucked, but worked out okay because she'll soon be getting glasses (sexy!) and better contact lenses (necessary!)

Sorry, no pic of the red-hued ocular girl, as she was on quarantine for a few days, but I bet she looked something like this...



God Bless the Google Image Search, eh?

Oh and if you were wondering if there was a porno title called "Pink Eye" which seems to be a series of cumshots into teenage girls eyes, there is. Click here to take a look at it, you sick bastard.

The subtitle of "Eye Cream! Eye Cream. We All Scream For Eye Cream!" DOES make you want to plonk down your hard-earned cash for that particular gem, don't it?

Back on topic...

I am listening to a lot of this lately.



when I am feeling weepy.

And to this...



when I am feeling like the coolest guy in the room.

Saturday Stinger had a class-act, A+, brilliant fucking show at The Playground Theater. I DEFY you to have witnessed what we will henceforth call the "Gay Goose" show and NOT suspect that we secretly scripted the whole thing. Plots progressed logically and smartly and all tied around the central theme of "marital relationships". Fucking brilliant show. It don't get much better than that one!



Um, work has been good. And Busy. Last week was all prep for tonight's board meeting.

This week will be all about working tech for our annual fund-raiser show. I've been given the job of "Follow Spot Op", which, for those of you who've been following my journey so far, was my ACTUAL job at Metropolis in 2002 and at The Capital Theater in Bowling Green, Ky, in 1998. Ten years later, and someone sticks me behind a follow spot uh-gain! I wonder which follow spot I'll be operating ten years from now?


How I NORMALLY look at work.

It's February in Chicago, which means we're living in the frozen, fucking tundra. It's too cold to walk outside. Thank God the good Lord gave us interns to take the work mail out, eh?

Yep, it's a bloody blizzard out there.



One more thing before I close down this blog entry.

At the end of this month, it will mark the one year anniversary since that horrible person from the Cleveland home office flew to Chicago to fire three employees in my office in one day. I worked another month, prepping the office for my replacement. I walked out of there into an uncertain future carrying a legal box of everything that I cared to save, which included a postcard from Ben Parker, some show reviews and my bamboo plant, which the chill air promptly killed. I was scared, scared, scared. I didn't know where I was going to end up two weeks from then, much less a year later. I was unemployed with no prospects.

And it was a terrible year. I was as poor as I've ever been in my life. I remember one night, while Joe was out of town, where I trolled the filthy floors of his bedroom looking for enough pocket change to afford a CTA trip to my shitty temp job the next day. I sold comics. I sold DVDs. I worked ANYTHING that was offered to me, including a few shitty medical seminars that had me getting up at 3am to make a 5am call at the hotel downtown. Everywhere I went, with everyone I had contact with, I approached with the hope that they would hire me and save me from the terrifying purgatory of unemployment.

And that's how I found myself working five months under the worst fucking employer I have EVER had at a fund-raising institute for a Jewish college in the middle east. I was so low that when I got released from THAT job, a job that I hated every humiliating, intolerable minute of, I felt like I'd hit rock bottom in my suit and tie. (I was wearing it that day for a show, that night.)

Somehow, through luck and a good reference from a good friend, I have found my way to the best thing you could possibly ask for, a job that you're good at, that you enjoy doing. I can't imagine why I never worked at a job that I enjoyed before. Why did I make it so hard on myself before? Why did I settle for whatever would take me FOR THREE FUCKING YEARS, when there were jobs that I was good at, that liked me and wanted me there. A job that I excel at. (Policies and Documents that I am creating today will still be used, YEARS from now. And the place runs more smoothly now, because I am there. I think that they're slowly coming to realize that, but it's true.)

I don't dread the bus ride to work anymore. I don't feel anxious and nauseous if I am going to be a few minutes late. I don't watch the clock all day, waiting to get out of there. I frequently work late. I like my co-workers. I like my workspace. I like my job duties. I like the people I help in my daily routine. I like being useful. I like my job.

So, to go from hopelessness to desperate scrabble to absolute defeat to complete success has made this a memorable year for me. And I just wanted to take a minute and use a few words to mark the anniversary or near-anniversary.

I can't wait to find out what this next year will bring.



Cheers all,
Mr.B

Once - Falling Slowly

Over on Don's blog, he had some nice things to say about the movie "Once". I absolutely agree with him. It feels like no movie that I've ever seen before. The characters make choices and do things that I couldn't predict. It doesn't end the way that you think it's going to end. It has smaller aspirations than your average love story.

It's absolutely worth seeing. The music in it is amazing.

Don posted a clips video with the song "Falling Slowly" on his blog. And while it was good to see, it REALLY made me want to just see the scene from the movie again. The moment when the guy and the girl REALLY started to connect as they sang one of his songs. Beyond two people who are physically attracted to each other, they realize, in turn that they're actually physically attracted to an artist and a beautiful person. That's what's happening here.

God Bless the Youtube for giving me the complete scene. Here it is...



Also, after a bit of legal wrangling, this song, "Falling Slowly" is elegible for the Best Song Academy Award. I sincerely hope that it wins. (In fact, this is probably the only award that I actually care about in this year's nominees.)

You should probably see this movie now.

Cheers,
Mr.B

Sarah Silverman is fucking Matt Damon.

Ok, I know that I've bagged on Sarah Silverman in the past. "Jesus is Magic" was the most painful movie-going experience of my life. (Worse than the time that I peed my pants as a kid, trying to watch all of "Empire Strikes Back" without getting up to go to the bathroom and missing something. what? I was 5. 5 year old pee themselves ALL THE TIME.)

So, I've never been a big fan of Sarah Silverman. (I don't like her show, either.)

But this... this made me laugh out loud. This was the video that she presented to Jimmy Kimmel on his show to celebrate their 5th anniversary together.

(Also, you should know that there's been a notable rivalry between Kimmel and Damon. It stemmed from several s(fake) incident where Damon was to appear on Kimmel's show to promote a movie and Kimmel ran overtime with other guests time and time again. When Kimmel finally DID have Damon on the show, this happened...)



Oh and then THIS also happened, when Kimmel sent a reporter to the Ocean's Thirteen premier...



Knowing that, here's the clip of Sarah Silverman's anniversary video "I'm fucking Matt Damon."



When interviewed by the press about the video, Kimmel said, "I hope they are very happy together."

Cheers,
Mr.B